Cheat?

Recently, over at Freya's blog, she asked the question: is traditional publication a vanity project? Which led me, via an innovative mental process, to interpret the question as: is it, in fact, cheating?

That's given me good for thought. It seems to me that, in order to cheat, by definition there has to be a set of rules.

When I first started out writing fiction, I used to think - in some hazy, undefined way - that the world of authors and publishing was some kind of meritocracy. Or perhaps it operated on some kind of conveyor belt principle. Essentially, you queued up, collecting ideas along the way. Then you wrote your book and submitted it to a 'few' agents. In the fullness of time - and   it seemed to me that three to six months was a fair and equitable arrangement - one of the agents took you on and they subsequently (three to six months again) found you a publisher. And hey presto, in due course (or, as I like to think of it, three to six months' time), your book hit the shelves.

QED, you might say, if that particular plan had worked for you. You might, but I didn't.

Ask any writer, though, and they'll give you a plethora of stories to demonstrate the unreliability of rules. Even at the writing stage, new plots emerge, characters dwindle and genres metamorphose (for example, my thriller, Standpoint, was originally intended to be a crime drama, until the characters thought better).

Once the book is written, plans can fall through. That agent who didn’t reject you initially and asked to see the whole manuscript (be still my heart) eventually turned you down because he didn’t feel he could make the connections to get you the breakthrough and development your book deserves, in an already crowded market.*

Or you wrote a book that suited a genre perfectly. But what scuppered you wasn't necessarily the quality of your work; it was the relatively superior quality of other people's work at the same time.

Or the publisher who signed you up already has a full schedule for the next 18 months, or can only offer a small print run for newbie authors, or tells you at the contract stage that they will require an author's contribution of a large bag of cash.**

Then again, the book might get out there to critical acclaim, but few sales; the two forms of success not being interdependent.

There is another, unwritten rule (forgive the irony). And that is that every successful author ought to have worked hard for it (suffering a little, perhaps, on behalf of all the writers who won't make it that far), and thoroughly deserve it.

Here, I feel, we all cheat in one way or another. Maybe the writing comes easily to us, or luck plays an important part in the process. We know someone who knows someone. Maybe a suggestion comes, unbidden, to try door 58. A chance remark at a dinner party leads to an 'in'. (I've heard this is the number one reason that writers attend dinner parties, followed by the chance of free food. Personally, I've always considered my lack of dinner party invites to be a major flaw in my campaign for publication.)

All of the above only seems like cheating, to others, if what has worked for one person cannot be formulated and replicated by everyone. Which is a lot like the rest of life really.

Plumbers (I know, plumbers and writers...) often get jobs on the basis of personal recommendation, which can be hard lines for a new plumber with no track record or connections. It isn't fair; no, it's competition.

So my message to you, dear fellow writers, is this: lose your sense of entitlement. It's a myth and an unnecessary burden, implying, as it does that your turn will inevitably come. And cast aside any notion o there being a meritocracy. When it comes to getting your work into print, or online, you use whatever connections and resources are available to you. There are no rules. Maybe that's why it's called fiction.

Write well, edit well, submit well, self-publish well and promote well. That's all you can rely on, and even then the outcome isn’t guaranteed. Expect anything else and, frankly, you're only cheating yourselves.

* Actually said to me, once. If it's flannel, it's impressive flannel.

** They wanted over £5000. See elsewhere on the blog for the tragic details!

Once upon a tome...

Hang out the flags, I've got an idea for a story.

We tend to see events and perspectives from the beginning of things, without always appreciating the beginning (or the ending) before the beginning.

Sometimes, it's the 'why'.

Why was the 'wicked fairy' in Sleeping Beauty wicked?

What drove Laurie Lee to start his journey in As I Walked Out One Midsummer Morning?

What made Craig Campbell choose his way of life in Sinclair Macleod's The Reluctant Detective series?

When it comes to novels, I think that authors juggle three distinct needs.

What does the reader actually need to know, what does you need them to know, and (still with me?) what do you need to know purely for yourself?

Initially, in my Brit thriller, Standpoint, I alluded to main character Thomas Bladen's difficult childhood. But the more I wrote, the more I wanted to know what actually went on. So I explored that and some of those formative events filtered through to the manuscript. That way the reader can trace a thread all the way from who my protagonist is all the way back to some of the experiences that moulded his behaviour.

Even if you're writing about a baby, its home environment and the attitude of its parents (which will contribute to its conditioning and the life awaiting it) owe a debt to the past.

I'm in the process of submitting two novels to agents / publishers (at time of writing, I haven't decided which road to take). To complicate things further, each book is a different genre. Standpoint is a thriller about a civilian who joins the UK's Surveillance Support Unit, while Scars and Stripes is a transatlantic comedy drama set in the 1980s. 

Being back on the submissions trail, it's easy to buy into the notion that I'm there at the beginning. Except that I'm not. My trusty spreadsheet reminds me that I've been contracted four times for other books, and offered a further three contracts (at different times) for a fantasy novel, Covenant, that I eventually chose to self-publish.

As writers we tend to see ourselves at the start of something, which can be energising or daunting depending on how you feel about that all-important next stage. But it's important to recognise the steps and individuals (seen and unseen) that brought us to this point. 

The journey of a thousand miles may well begin with the first step, but let's not forget all the other journeys that put us there, willing and able.

Special K

"I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all." Ecclesiastes 9-11 

So there I was, over at the Strictly Writing blog, inspired to pen something after a brace of rejections. And yes, I went through the familiar cycle of scratching my head, reviewing my submissions and tearing out my hair (and believe me, given what little there is to start with, that's definitely a counter-intuitive move) while wondering what else I can do to get an agent.

And then I swapped some emails with Chloe Banks, who reminded me of the other side to writing. Yes, it's a way of life to those who either write professionally, or aspire to. And yes it's a way of organising and unjumbling the wheelbarrow of ideas we carry around with us. But...it's a choice we make. Hard as it is to admit, no one forces us to write. Indeed, I know of one or two very talented writers who expend a great deal of energy in order not to write.

I can remember the rush of exhilaration when I first completed written version of Covenant (then called The promise of a Rainbow). There was no rush to find an agent or a publisher back then (which, for a first written draft, was frankly a good thing). No, I was thrilled to have a completed story - because that was how I thought of it - in my hands. Something a friend or other interested party could read. Sometimes it's good to recapture that inner goal.

However, I digress. What Chloe and I actually talked about, in part, was the importance of kindness. It's a word that fell out of fashion and is now making a comeback. You see, as a writer, I know what other writers go through, at whatever stage of the process they're at. The highs, lows and bewilderments don't end just because we have a contract in our hands or when we see something of ours in print. Arguably, once you've hit pay-dirt once it all cranks up a notch for the next cycle. Can you do it again? Will people like it as much? Will someone now step in and say, "It's all a fraud and they can't really write!"? (Or, as most people know it these days, Amazon reviews...)

So what does kindness have to do with being a writer? A great deal, I think. Because kindness is about consideration to others, and not just on the printed page. 

Here are some of the ways we can show kindness to writers and readers:


- If you have the time and space, offer your fellow writers honest and constructive feedback. As much as writers might want to hear 'good things' about their work, anyone who plans on developing as a writer benefits hugely from the truth and some signposts.

- Consider retweeting other writers trying to promote their work. I sometimes select people at random, as well as those I interact with regularly. A little goes a long way.

- How about posting a link to someone's blog on your Facebook page? Fifteen seconds of your time might get a writer a new follower and maybe lead the follower into reading from a completely different genre.

- If you have bought a person's work, leave a review on Amazon or Goodreads. If you want to be really kind, contact the author first so they know that something's coming.

- Support local bookshops where and when you can. Everyone's circumstances are different, but remember that a local bookshop might be in a better position to support and promote local authors. And every writer is local to somewhere.

- Attend readings when you can. Booksignings too. I remember co-signing books when we had four people in as many hours. And one of those people picked up The Little Book of Cynics (hey, it's out of print so it's not like I'm plugging it for personal gain), sniffed derisively, and said, "I could probably put something together like this myself." And then walked out empty handed. Nice.

- As a writer, only deliver your best work. And, when you add links, consider adding links to any writing that's available for free. Don't just go for the hard sell. (See Me for Free, coming soon at this blog!

- Consider helping other writers with advice, reference material or agents / publishers that they might want to consider submitting material to. Yes, the writing world can be competitive, but one person's success doesn't necessarily mean another person's failure. Strive to be bigger than that limited world view.

And finally: Let your writing and your reading be an extension of your highest values. There's a lot of mealiness out there with regards to books. Lots of people are quick to condemn bestsellers as sell-outs, and derive more pleasure from picking holes in other people's work than in producing their own.

Kindness doesn't guarantee anything. But you may just make a positive difference to someone else's day, or perhaps just boost their confidence a little. And, when you think about it, that's a pretty amazing thing.

My thanks to Chloe for the initial prompt.

The less said the better

A spelling bee perhaps?

When David French and I wrote The Little Book of Cynics (this is the bit where "Collectors' Item" ought to flash in neon), we were following in a long tradition of encapsulating ideas in as few words as possible. Nowadays we associate such brevity with advertising and corporate branding, but thought-provoking philosophy can also travel well in just a few syllables.

Like most writers I know, I have a talismanic fondness for notebooks. Sometimes, just knowing I have one of those wundabooks close by can often open a channel to the muse. With that in mind, here are some of those condensed thoughtlets relating to writing, that made it past the red pen.

Loose ends in fiction are like unwelcome dinner guests. You didn't ask for them, but you have to entertain them nonetheless.

A good book isn't just a friend for life - it's a friend for generations.

The pen is mightier than the sword, especially when it's a red pen.

First draft is for the author, second draft is for the reader and every other draft is for the industry.

A book's only finished when the author says so.

Fiction is real life - the life in my head.

Behind every successful author is an exasperated muse.

When the going gets tough, it's time for sturdy books.

Do we triumph over adversity, or because of it?

The mark of good fiction is that, even though you know it is fiction, you want it to be true.

And if you enjoy a quote or three, why not visit fellow scribe and blogger Chloe Banks, who has made a regular date with memorable quotes: 
Quotable Friday 6

Quotable Friday 5

Quotable Friday 4

Quotable Friday 3

Quotable Friday 2

Quotable Friday 1

So You Want to be a Freelance Writer?

Whilst it's undoubtedly true that the world of writing is a competitive one, it can also be a cooperative environment as well. And, while we often play the numbers game and look for a niche to nip into with the fervour of a Saturday shopper in a car park, writers are a community.

I recently heard on the grapevine that Deborah Durbin, a fellow scribe and freelancer, had written a book for those writers looking to plough an independent furrow. She has previously been very generous with her views on the freelancing scene and suggested some doors worth knocking on. It seemed only fair to put her in the hot seat again, to find out more about her latest project and to pick her brains until she yells, "Feinites!"

So, Deborah, you've been a freelance writer for a number of years. What changes in the industry have you noticed since you began, and how have you adapted your approach?   

The most notable change I have seen since first becoming a freelance writer is the advantage of technology. When I first started I would have to research an article in the library, type it up on my electric typewriter (making two copies), send it off to an editor in the hope that they will like it then wait weeks for a reply. These days I can email an idea to a commissioning editor and get a reply within minutes. All my book contracts have been commissioned this way too.

In your new book, So You Want To Be A Freelance Writer, you draw upon your own experience. Which piece of advice or guidance do you wish someone had shared with you at the very beginning of your career?

To keep on trying. Once you’ve studied your market, learned how to present your manuscript and how to approach a commissioning editor, a lot depends on luck. There are many reasons why an editor might not be able to take on your work and it’s really nothing personal.

Does being a successful portfolio writer (non-fiction and fiction) create its own challenges - how do you prioritise your various writing projects?

I love the varied life of being a portfolio writer. My ‘day job’ is as a journalist and I never harboured dreams of being a fiction writer; that just sort of happened. My journalism writing comes first because if an editor is kind enough to commission you for a job, you need to deliver if you want to get more work from them. My novels tend to get written during the school holidays when my daughters are home from school and college and I write them by hand, whilst watching the telly or sunbathing in the garden.

Has the world of writing changed for women, in your opinion, and in which ways?

I personally think that readers don’t care a jot whether a book is written by a man or a woman. It’s the publishers that are the picky ones! Possibly 50 Shades of Grey would not have been such a success if it had been written by a man. The USP for the publishers was that it was written by a woman and a mother. However, when E L James first published her book, readers didn’t know whether it was written by a man or a woman. The same applies to J K Rowling. Possibly if she had written it as Joanne Rowling it wouldn’t have been so successful, but I doubt it. I do think women feel more able to write in different genres nowadays and not be limited to the Mills and Boon style of romance writing. Many women write about crime, horror and sex as well as their male counterparts now and I think this is thanks to publishers accepting that good writing is good writing, regardless of sex, age or race.

Describe a typical writing day.

No two days are the same for me, so a typical day isn’t really typical for me. Once I have done the school run and sent my other two daughters off to college, I always check my emails, Facebook, website and blog and then start work on whatever I’ve been working on the day before. Most mornings I will pitch several ideas to magazine/newspaper editors and carry on working until an email pings back with a yes please or a no thanks. If it’s a yes please, I will pencil it in my diary, along with the deadline, research notes I need to do etc. I occasionally write real life stories, so if I have heard of someone with a good story to tell, I will contact them and an editor to see if I can sort out a deal for them. If I have no journalism deadlines to work on I will work on my novel, but this is usually done away from my desk, in the conservatory or sitting on the sofa watching This Morning. I always go out for lunch because I love people watching and find listening in on other people’s conversations gives me lots of ideas. After lunch I check emails again and work for another hour on whatever I’ve been working on in the morning then I pick my daughter up from school and stay away from my desk until we’ve all had dinner. If I’m working to a tight deadline I will work during the evening, but I always have to have the TV or radio on in my office. I can’t work in silence, it disturbs me.

Are you working on a new book at the moment? Care to give us a hint!

I’m currently working on the third of my Now I Can Hear Dead People series. I hadn’t planned to write a third book in the series, but many readers have emailed me asking when the next book is going to be out. Being a trained journalist I find it much more of a challenge to write fiction, but I do enjoy it and find it’s a bit of escapism, so between deadlines I will be spending much of this year sitting in the conservatory writing that.

What's the strangest thing you've ever written about?

I was once asked to write a feature about cellular memory and interviewed a woman who’d had a heart transplant and was convinced that she had adopted the personality of the man whose heart she had received. It was a fascinating piece to research and really opened my eyes to the possibility of cellular memory.

Where can we find out about your book/s?

All my books are available on Amazon or ordered through books stores such as Waterstones. You can find out more about me at www.deborahdurbin.com or go to my freelance writing blog at http://soyouwanttobeafreelancewriter.blogspot.co.uk/

Deborah Durbin is a journalist, columnist and author. She is also a Member of the Society of Authors and Women in Journalism

A Different Kind of Contract

Do you mind? This is a private conversation.

Whenever someone sits down to read or watch a work of fiction, they are forming a pact with the author. Two, in fact. The first is what is commonly known as 'suspension of disbelief'. That roughly translates as 'I won't question anything you tell me, as long as it makes sense in the context of the story. Time-travel, unicorns, a different end to a war, alien robots that look like chairs? No problem, just as long as you can convince me with your writing.

The second contract is similar to the first and equally unspoken. Ask for my time, dear author, and you better damn well deliver. Sign here in blood, please. I want to be so involved in your fictional world that I miss it, and think about it, days after The End. I want to feel the story, be swept along by the narrative and plot, and see the world through different eyes as a consequence. (Only for a day or so, mind. Any longer than that and we'd all start to worry.) I want believable characters, authentic dialogue, and a plot that surprises and satisfies... Oh, and did I mention originality? I don't care that there are only seven plots - give me something new (and even if it's a sequel, it needs to stand on its own literary feet).

Recently, I watched a film on TV. Not a bad film actually, taken in isolation. However, it was such a breathtakingly blatant rip-off of a previous (and better) film that I'm amazed they weren't sued for plagiarism or prosecuted for making counterfeit goods. I won't name names, but I'll just say it was a thriller, and let's leave it at that.

So today's questions are:

1. How do you ensure that you're not blindly following someone else's creative trail (unconsciously, of course)?

2. When does homage become plagiarism?

Discuss...

Unaccustomed...

Blogging can be many things - cathartic, a discipline, fun (on occasion), a shop window, a means of earning money (yes, really) and a playpen to experiment with ideas and excerpts. However, like dust and the dead flies from our attic, much of blogging exists in a vacuum.

Sure, there's the occasional comment that isn't about viagra, a certain brand of boots or a slew of text in Latin, German or some ideogrammatical language. And it's nice to have interactions with your fellow bloggers.

And who doesn't like the occasional nod from the Universe, via someone else, to say, "Keep writing, dude!" My recent nod was from Monika over at http://motheroad.wordpress.com/ and I thank her for the Liebster Award nomination. 

So, here's the essential blurb - mainly cribbed from Monika's blog.

Liebster Rules

This award is given to new or up-and-coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is passed along to other small-time bloggers to help spread the word and support each other as we type away in our little corners of the universe. Here’s the deal:

1. Each blogger should post 11 random facts about him or herself.
2. Answer the questions the nominator has posed, then create 11 new questions the bloggers you nominate. I know, not exactly free speech, but let's see how it goes.
3. Choose 11 new bloggers (with less than 200 followers) to receive a Liebster, then post links to their blogs in your post.
4. Let each nominee know by leaving a comment on his or her blog.
5. No tag backs.

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11 Random Facts About Me, based on Monika's strange questions

1. Do you shower every day? No. I adhere to a strict no sweating policy. It also helps that I have an addled sense of smell. Visitors beware.
2. Coffee: black, blond, or not at all? Not all. Coffee, to me, smells like a combination of earth, a burning rubber band, and crap. Seriously.
3. If you could spend a day as the opposite sex, what would you do? Easy, I'd resubmit my novels to agents and publishers, and see whether it made a difference
4. What CD is in your stereo/car stereo right now? (Or you can be like me, and have a car so old that it doesn’t have a CD player. In which case just say what CD you’d listen to if you could.) Tend to listen to the radio, but...in the glove compartment there's are a couple of Kate Rusby CDs and one by The Waterboys.
5. Do you think a woman is less feminine with short hair, or is short hair a sign of smarts, gumption, and not-too-threatening modernity? Believe me, I'm the last person to profess any expertise on the subject of hair (alas). Smart women are always preferable, whatever the hairstyle.
6. Who takes out the trash at your house? That's no way to talk about our cat. Oh, I see what you mean. Probably 57% of the time it's me.
7. Thong underwear: uncomfortable and icky, or sexy-hot? Ah, the minds of Americans... A gentleman never tells. Oh, okay then - I've never tried wearing one. 
8. What’s the worst thing that could happen to you tomorrow? (So, you know,  you have tonight to worry about it and/or prevent it. And your answer can’t have any death in it.) Assuming my loved ones are all safe and sound, a hard drive meltdown. Or an accusation of plagiarism. Or amnesia.
9. Beer or wine? Or vodka? Or, like, a piña colada? And where? I'm a simple soul. One glass of cava gets me squiffy for half an hour. I prefer non-alcoholic ginger beer. 
10. Pie or cake? What kind? Plain or à la mode? With what accompanying beverage? Peppermint tea and chocolate pie. Or lemon pie and hot chocolate. Doesn't have to round because, as all mathematicians know, sometimes pi r squared.
11. Pick one and share a story: Birth of your child, first time you met your Significant Other, first time riding a bike without training wheels, first kiss, best Fourth of July/Guy Fawkes Day ever, when you knew for sure God exists, or when you became convinced he doesn’t. Oh, good lord. First kiss was when I was five years old. I know so much less about the opposite sex now.

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11 Questions for My Nominees (answer some or all):

1. What's the hardest thing you've ever had to write?
2. Where is the place you consider home?
3. If I'd won a gazillion on the lottery, what would you say to convince me to give you a slice of it?
4. Most disappointing book ever?
5. Which law would you change or introduce?
6. Is there a politician (living or deceased) that you admire - and why?
7. What was the most important thing that childhood taught you?
8. What do you wish you'd learned to do when you were younger? 
9. Congratulations, you're a time traveller. Where do you travel to?
10. One of your favourite songs of all time?
11. TV programme from childhood that you still think about occasionally.

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And my nominees are:

1. Freya Morris - http://freyamorris.blogspot.co.uk/
2. Wendy Soliman - http://wendysoliman.blogspot.co.uk/
3. Brian Keaney - http://odyllicforce.blogspot.co.uk/
4. SnowMoonWolf - http://wolfphotograpy.blogspot.co.uk/

Signs and Wonders

What's a cat gotta do to get noticed?

As a freelancer, I wear two hats – the floppy, creative one and the one that means business. I’m like a dual aspect room, only with headgear.

Similarly, my customers fall into two categories – the ones I know and the ones I don’t. So how do you write for a customer you don’t know? The same way that hedgehogs mate – thoughtfully!

On face value, having both products (existing books and content) and services (writing to order) would seem to suggest different approaches, but it all comes down to the same magical equation: outcome = income. Customers need to know about you – what you do and why they should choose instead of one of your competitors (okay, the pope, once installed, is an exception).

Let’s face it, social media will only take you so far; and sometimes it can all get a bit…well…sociable. Honestly now, how many businesses have you tried purely on the basis of their tweets and likes? Not many, methinks. I’ve bought books thanks to social media, but I’ve never booked a plumber. And how do you reach those customers who don’t sit glued to a screen all day?

Word-of-mouth, it seems to me, only really works when someone has something to talk about, which takes us right back to customers knowing about you in the first place.

The Internet offers a plethora (love that word) of ideas and approaches. Looking into just some of the options has given me food for thought about how I could reach new customers. Although, being lazy (funny how it’s always called energy conservation except when it’s a person…), I simply did one quick web search and found plenty of info at Discount Banner Printing.

In a word: advertising.

Clearly, the possibilities have moved on a bit since Bill Posters faced prosecution. (Remember him?!) At one end of my imaginary scale there’s the noble sandwich board – which, take it from me, is both inedible and tricky to convey on public transport. Alternatively, you could push the boat out and hire a plane to do some skywriting. I did consider it, but I’m very particular about my apostrophes. And money.

More practically, stickers or labels combining text and graphics put the message where it will be seen, either in a static location or on the move. You can also get window clings in vivid colours and detail.

I’m keen to promote my business, but I want results. For instance, I wouldn’t take up roller-skating just to advertise my wares. Given my sense of balance, that outcome would be out cold and inpatient!

I’ll leave you with this well-known, anonymous poem – it speaks for itself.

The codfish lays ten thousand eggs,

The homely hen lays one.

The codfish never cackles

To tell you what she's done.

And so we scorn the codfish,

While the humble hen we prize,

Which only goes to show you

That it pays to advertise!

Writers and Plumbers

Why the long face?

 Opinion is divided as to when writers were first associated with, and compared to, plumbers. 

The Greek philosopher, Ubendese, a contemporary of Archimedes, was an early example of a great thinker who could compose soul-searching poetry before noon and still sort out the house drains by teatime. Indeed, it is thought that he inspired Archimedes to combine contemplation with bathtub product testing, resulting in his eureka moment.

Some plumbers, throughout history, have rejected this ‘slur by association’, implying as it does that they might occasionally write fiction when it comes to providing an invoice. One thing is certain – the close affinity of plumbing and writing has lasted down the ages, resulting in the confusion we see today.

Some writers demand to be treated like plumbers, expecting tea and biscuits to be provided as standard. On the other side of the coin, some plumbers want to be recognised for their creativity and allowed time to dream – sometimes even time-and-a-half to dream.

So let’s clear the airlock once and for all.

Similarities between a writer and a plumber 

1. They both look for the right angles.
2. They can both use a pencil.
3. They’re both in business and entitled to at least the legal minimum wage.
4. They can both plumb the depths and need to remove blockages.
5. They can both become involved in kitchen sink dramas.
6. They both have pipe dreams and both bleed for their work (albeit with a radiator in one case).
7. They both need to eat.
8. They both endeavour to go with the flow. 

Differences between a writer and a plumber 

1. As far as I know, there are no creative plumbing courses.
2. Plumbers don’t need an agent, a social media presence or a brand.
3. For a plumber, things going down the drain is a positive.
4. You wouldn’t ask a plumber to fix a faulty ballcock, on spec, to raise her profile, or to add to his portfolio. And to solder for warm fuzzies.
5.  Plumbers wear a boiler suit. Some writers wear a pot-boiler suit.
6. There is a chronic shortage of qualified plumbers, whereas…
7. It takes between two and five years to become a fully accredited plumber.
8. One leads the vanguard and the other drives a van.

Remember, next time you have a problem with your float valve, don’t bother ringing for a poet – iambic pentameter isn’t going to help you.